


All's Fair in Love and War

by Rill



Series: Love Wreckers [1]
Category: South Park
Genre: Candy and Creek if you squint, Crenny, F/M, M/M, Romance, minor depression, south park - Freeform, staig, style
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2016-10-08
Packaged: 2018-08-17 04:29:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8130418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rill/pseuds/Rill
Summary: Maybe it was the glasses. No, perhaps it was the way his hair was long enough to look nice yet short enough to be neatly swept to the side and not look all emo. One thing Kenny was sure of; Operation break Stan Marsh and Craig Tucker up was a go. All he needed was a bit of help from his dear friend Eric Cartman...





	1. Good Riddance.

Kenny stared up at the beautiful sky and the stars that could be seen as he thought to himself, he really needed to get his ceiling replaced.

Just last weekend, the football all star of the blond's high school and his best friend, Stan Marsh, was finally ready to reveal to his friends who he was dating. He, Kyle, and Cartman were all ready to see Wendy Testaburger arrive at the table they had reserved for the night, but were surprised when a stoic male arrived instead.  
Now, ever since high school started the groups began. Both Stan and Craig's groups were bigger rivals than ever and steered away from each other. Or at least, that's how it was at first.

By the end of their first year, Craig was left alone to be an outcast in favor of popularity. Token and Clyde soon both joined Kenny's circle, the former always throwing parties for the whole school to join at his gigantic abode, and the latter almost rivaling Kenny with his list of girls he's done questionable things with. Craig and Tweek broke off as soon as middle school started, and Tweek actually started to hang out with the girls more often. That left Craig alone to be the hottest guy who no one ever remembered, ironically.

Kenny hadn't seen Craig Tucker since middle school, probably, so two years now. Middle school was the stoic male's awkward years where he had to wear braces, but those days were long gone with only his retainers as proof that he ever had problems with his teeth. When he approached the group of four's table, Kenny was taken aback by just how hot he was.

The orange clad male was convinced it was his glasses. Maybe Craig Tucker wore contacts in middle school or something, but Kenny assumed he stopped doing that at some point when no one was paying attention in favor of some red-rimmed glasses which made him look like the sexiest man alive. How in the world was this guy never noticed in the hallways? Or maybe Kenny was just so self-absorbed in his own life. Stan definitely noticed him since the other man prone to pulling out his middle finger was now sitting across from them being reintroduced as the guy Stan was dating. 

Craig Tucker's hat was nowhere to be seen for this special occasion, his pitch black hair darker than the night sky Kenny was currently seeing in his room and his eyes seeming more blue than he remembered them. It was like love at first sight, except Kenny had fallen in love with his friend's boyfriend.

At that moment, Kenny knew he needed to find a way to get Craig Tucker and Stan Marsh to break up. And he knew just who to get help from. 

Kyle for the longest time had his crush hidden away deep in his heart, but nothing could be hidden from Kenny. At one point he was able to get the Jew to admit his crush on Stan who was oblivious as ever about the whole situation. It was saddening, really, how much Kyle had to suffer these years. Kenny knew Kyle would never admit to wanting to help the blond break up the happy couple, but he would figure something out to get Kyle to appreciate the plan by the end of it all. 

Cartman was valuable for any of this to work. The guy was infamous for being able to get two people together, and as obnoxious as he could be, his work was not to be laughed at. And if Cartman ever wanted to get laid, he would help Kenny get with his new love of his life. 

It worked for everyone, really. Wendy, Craig, and Kyle all had their sights on the hot football player known as Stan Marsh, but would be dating Craig so Wendy would back off. Then, Craig would 'somehow lose interest' and break up with the all star. The guy will crawl back to his super best friend, and love will blossom with the help of Eric, as well as with himself and Craig. Finally, Kenny will give Eric lessons on how to be a gentleman and steal Wendy away as long as Bebe lays her hands off the girl. She had Clyde to fuck with anyway. Or Red if she REALLY wanted to swing the other way.

ring...

ring...

click!

"What the fuck do you want, Kenny?" The blond almost cringed when he heard the fatasses voice.  
"I need your help."  
"With what?"  
"You know how Stan finally told us who he was dating, and how it was Craig, and how we saw him last Saturday?"  
"Yeah. And?"  
"Uh..." Kenny cleared his throat. "Well, I was just thinking how Craig was pretty fucking hot." He grinned even though the fatass couldn't see him.  
"Ay! I don't need fags calling me in the middle of the night!"  
"No, wait, hear me out!" Kenny sighed. "I want to break Stan and Craig up."  
The other side of the call went silent, and for a moment Kenny wondered if Cartman had already hung up.  
"And you call yourself the hero."  
"I'm more of a hero than you'll ever be."  
"What's in it for me, huh? Why should I help you?"  
"Well, besides being my friend, I can get you with Wendy."  
Cartman hummed, deep in thought. Kenny waited patiently as the manipulative male considered his options.  
"Fine. I'll find something out."  
"That's great!" Kenny should not have been cheering for Stan's future depression. He couldn't help it.  
"But I better be with Wendy fucking Testaburger by the end of this year!"  
"Leave it to me, Cartman!"  
As soon as the fatass hung up, the blond fistbumped and let out a "Woohoo!" before being yelled at by a drunk Stuart McCormick to shut up only for HIM to be yelled at by a drunk Carol McCormick for him to shut up. Kenny ignored his parents in favor of calling Kyle.

ring...

ring...

ring...

ring...

ri-click!

"Kenny?" A drowsy Kyle yawned. "Is everything okay?"  
"Yeah, everything is great! Fantastic, even! Kyle, I'm getting you and Stan together!"  
"Wait, what!?"  
"Yeah! I got Cartman to agree to help me break Stan and Craig up."  
"Kenny, what the- Why?!"  
"Look, I know you probably think it's wrong, but you don't get it! You like Stan, and you guys are like, meant to be or something, while I like Craig!"  
"You like Craig? Since when?"  
"Since Saturday."  
There was a facepalm heard.  
"Kenny... Ugh. You know what? I'm not getting involved. I'm not a part of this. I don't know what you and Cartman are planning, but I'm just going to make sure Stan is happy."  
Kyle hung up. Kenny raised an eyebrow.  
"He'll thank me later."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, I focused mainly on Kenny in this story cause this is gonna be a series and I plan on working on Kyle's side of the story next. You can also request for any other characters you would like me to focus on next!  
> The order for now though is this:  
> Kyle  
> Wendy  
> Stan  
> Craig  
> Tweek  
> Bebe  
> Cartman  
> Clyde
> 
> Also, constructive criticism is very much welcome! Thank you for reading!


	2. Oh, Brother.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The secret is out. The plan worked. But at what cost?

All week, Stan and Craig were screaming gay. Not in some kind of obvious way where their clothes would cause red flags to pop up everywhere or something, they were just.. So deeply, sickeningly, mushily,  _infatuated_  with each other.  
  
Now, Craig Tucker was NOT one for emotion. But when he was around Stan, he was just so...  _happy._ It made Kenny want to throw up.   
  
Speaking of barfing, Kenny was surprised Stan hadn't yet. Even Stan seemed to glow more when Craig was around. It was ridiculous how perfect the two seemed for each other.   
  
Kenny avoided his circle that Tuesday after the Monday full of torture watching Stan and Craig constantly hug each other, kiss each other, tease each other, smile at each other, laugh with each other. Craig's smile was adorable. His laugh was, too. They were rare sights, and yet they seemed to happen all the time when Stan was around. That made the smiles and the laughter disgusting in Kenny's eyes. So instead of eating lunch with the crew today, he just ate outside and watched the middle schoolers play some soccer. Wednesday rolled around, and he did the same thing.  
  
But Thursday... Thursday was the day after he had called Cartman. Kyle was glaring at Kenny the entire bus ride, but that was okay. The orange-clad male expected as much. On Thursday, he sat confidently at his crew's table, happily eating his crappy sandwich only to be terribly disappointed when he saw Stan and Craig approach the table, hand in hand, happy as ever.  
  
Then it was Friday. Kenny sat down at their table once more, and lost his appetite when he saw the couple again. He was outraged. He angrily stuffed his crappy sandwich in his mouth 'cause goddamn it, he wasn't going to become a fucking anorexic poor kid so that Cartman could rip on him more than he already did. That ended up not going well, since his loss of appetite caused him to somehow not be able to even stand the sandwich in his mouth and immediately gagged.  
Cartman called him anorexic for barfing up his sandwich.  
Kenny cried out in frustration and immediately left the table.  
Cartman then proceeded to call him 'high maintenance' or something like that as the orange-clad male left the table.  
At this point, Kenny didn't care.  
  
He thought he would be fine since it was the weekend. But no, his suffering didn't end there. He found himself wondering what the fuck was taking the fatass when Craig and Stan somehow thought it was a good idea to hang out at Kenny's house, at KENNY'S HOUSE of all places!  
They said 'Craig's house isn't the best place to go since his parents are homophobic'  
They said 'Stan's house isn't the best place to go 'cause his parents wouldn't stop fucking bothering them'  
Stan said 'He didn't want to bother Kyle' (well how considerate of him)  
Craig said 'He fucking hates Cartman. And Clyde. And Token.'  
  
And so, the two were left alone on Kenny's bed when they decided to have a tickle fight for whatever fucking reason, probably because Craig was actually really ticklish and wouldn't tell Stan something or whatever, and Kenny hopped out through his broken window angrily. He wanted to be the one to tickle Craig. He was almost tempted to call Kyle to come over, that way the two could suffer together, but he wouldn't do that to the guy.  
He pulled out his somewhat decent phone that his redheaded friend had actually gotten for his birthday roughly around two years ago. He stared at the call button for a long time before sighing and stuffing his phone in his pocket. No, he wouldn't call Kyle.   
  
Then he pulled out his phone again and called Cartman. Cause he didn't fucking care if he was bothering the fatass when he was bothering the blond 24/7.  
... Okay, more like roughly 8-13/5 nowadays, but still.  
"What the fuck do you want, Kenny!?"   
"What the fuck is taking you so long, Cartman!?"  
"It's been three days!"  
"Yeah, and it's been a week since Stan told us he was dating Craig!"  
"Well sorry I've been trying to figure out the best way to break them up! But look, I got this. I think I have something that..." Kenny suddenly felt a shiver run down his back. He almost regretted asking Cartman for help then. "Is very interesting."  
He paused. "Interesting?"  
"Tomorrow, all the boys in our class will meet in my basement. Then I will reveal the truth!" The fatass laughed evilly, and Kenny only laughed nervously.  
  
Kenny stared at Cartman's basement door for a long time. He wanted to enter so that the disaster to come would begin, and yet now he felt very bad for wanting to destroy a cute relationship. Yes, he finally accepted the fact that he couldn't fucking have Craig because Craig was with fucking Stan and Kenny would have to settle for fucking Kyle or fucking Butters, or fucking Bebe, or fucking ANYONE ELSE because fucking Stan took the fucking hottest guy on the fucking planet.  
God fucking damn it.   
But there he stood, opening the basement door and ready to destroy their relationship.  
  
"Gentlemen. There's some... Disturbing news I've discovered." Cartman started, pacing across between one side of the whiteboard on one side of the table to the other.   
"Cartman, we don't have time for this!" Kyle angrily replied.  
"Shut up Jew, you'll thank me later." Cartman cleared his throat. "Let's talk about Stan and Craig."  
Craig immediately stood up. "I knew this was going to be bullshit."  
"Yeah, let's go." Stan agreed, standing up immediately after.  
"I knew you would say something like that, which is why I decided to lock the basement door so you would listen."  
The two reluctantly sat back down after only seconds of resistance before realizing this was Cartman they were trying to reason with while the rest had long since realized this.  
  
"These two men known as 'the hottest guys in school' by the girls..." Cartman drew rough sketches of the two on his whiteboard, labeling the one with his middle finger out Craig and the other with his eyes crossed Stan. "Who decided to date each other..." He started to draw Randy Marsh and three lines which connected the three people before writing in big letters, 'RELATED'. "Are brothers!"  
There was silence. There was horror on Stan, Craig, and Kenny's faces at the realization of it all. Then Clyde spoke up.  
"Oh."  
Kenny was glad he broke the two up before they had sex.  
At least, he thinks they haven't had sex yet.  
  
"Cartman, you don't have any proof!" Kyle accused, completely exasperated.  
"Oh, but I do, Kyle. Look no further than at the black hair of both Craig Tucker and Stan Marsh!" The fatass stated, rushing to erase the whiteboard and start some powerpoint on a laptop which projected on the whiteboard. One side of the presentation had a picture of Craig and his mess of black hair when at some point Cartman had taken his hat, while the other side had a similar picture of Stan, both of them with angry faces most likely directed at Cartman at the time when he was taking the picture. Then, in the next slide was a picture of the Tuckers, middle fingers and all, with red circles around the heads of Craig's parents.  
"Thomas Tucker is redheaded which Ruby Tucker has inherited, unfortunately. Craig Tucker is luckily not a redhead. However, he is also not blond like Laura Tucker." Cartman paused to click the mouse so the next slide could show the words DOMINANT AND RECESSIVE GENES.  
"Now you may be thinking, so what? Maybe black is still in their genes but aren't shown. Or you may not know what the fuck I'm talking about. Either way, neither Thomas nor Laura Tucker have brown or black hair, which are both dominant genes. This would mean Craig Tucker would have to have inherited the genes for red hair as well as blond hair if he were the child of the two, which are both recessive genes and are covered by the dominant ones. Luckily, that is not the case and Craig Tucker cannot have ginger babies."  
Craig flipped Cartman off. Kyle rolled his eyes.  
"Hey!" Cartman glared at the one flipping him off before clearing his throat and clicking the next slide which once again showed Craig Tucker at his finest when being a hot mess, sexy glasses and all. "This can only mean two things; Either Craig Tucker is adopted, or Craig Tucker is a bastard."  
"He's always been a bastard." Token put in.  
"Yes, but not in this way." Cartman said. "We can debate on Craig's assholery another day." He clicked the next slide with the definition of 'bastard'. "The term I am using now means that Craig Tucker is an illegitimate child."  
Craig appeared uncomfortable, Kenny realized. Even while all of this information was being spit at them, Stan still felt the urge to comfort the guy and squeeze his hand tightly. Kenny noticed that Craig did not return the affection, most likely because of the information they were getting. Even Stan seemed a bit awkward while trying to comfort him.  
"You don't even have proof for which one it is, Fatass!" Kyle defended, always on the side Stan was on.  
"On the contrary, Kyle." Cartman clicked the next slide which showed a picture of Laura Tucker and had a play button. "I asked Laura Tucker this morning for confirmation one what Craig Tucker really was."  
"You did what!?" Craig stood up slightly, glaring at Cartman.  
"Oh yeah, uh.." Cartman cleared his throat. "You'll have to pack your bags, Craig." He pressed the play button.  
  
His voice came from the recording. "So Mrs. Tucker, I am well aware of the hair color of your son Craig Tucker. Why is it that he has black hair? Is he adopted? Or an illegitimate child?"  
There was silence. Then a slightly angry voice. Thomas Tucker. "What's he talking about, Laura?"  
Kenny paled as he heard the conversation.  
"Sir, Craig's hair color is not possible with yours and your wife's hair colors."  
"Well he isn't adopted!"  
"You're right. He's... Illegitimate."  
"What!?"  
"You don't understand! It was at the time where we weren't really getting along, and-"  
"He's not stepping foot on this household!"  
"Uh-oh." Cartman's voice said.  
"So who's the lucky guy, huh!?" Thomas angrily yelled.  
"It was Randy!" Laura cried out under pressure.  
The recording ended, as well as the presentation.  
"And there you have it, gentlemen. Craig Tucker is a bastard."  
Kenny realized he just got the guy he loved most to be homeless. Well, that wasn't what was intended.  
  
"Can I go now? I don't wanna get grounded." Butters piped in, and Cartman finally unlocked his basement door. Everyone left with Tweek being the last to trail behind, except the group of five.  
"Craig, are you okay?" Stan asked worriedly, a hand on the usually stoic male's back.  
"I feel sick." The pasty skinned male somehow looked paler as he stared at the basement floor with his hands resting on his knees.  
Stan didn't look too well, either. In fact, he seemed all ready to barf just like he did around Wendy.  
  
What had Kenny done?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo I hope Eric's lesson on how genes work wasn't too boring.  
> Or inacurrate. I'm pretty sure I got my facts straight though. 
> 
> I actually didn't edit this chapter too much so if there's anything wrong with it like a typo or something, please tell me!  
> As always, constructive criticism is also appreciated! Or maybe if you just want to leave a comment, too, that's cool!


	3. Love Me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenny rights his wrongs. 'nough said.

"You can stay at my house, if you want." Stan suggested, barf now all over Cartman's basement floor. The fatass was going to complain, but three glares from Stan, Kyle, and Kenny shut him up immediately. Now was not the time.  
"Y... Stan, you're my brother." Craig finally spoke. It was quiet, barely a whisper. "Stan Marsh is my brother." He said again, louder this time, as if testing out the statement. His red rimmed glasses were long since removed, the dark blue eyed male rubbing the bridge of his nose where his glasses usually rested.  
"Yep..." Stan replied, unable to believe it himself. "Craig... Is my brother."  
Kenny watched his crush and friend sadly, unsure of what to do. As bad as it sounded, all he could think about was how he was going to turn this all around so Craig would love him. Sure, he felt a bit guilty over what he had Cartman do, but in the end it was for the best. Right?  
"Come on, let's go get your things..." Stan helped the younger noirette stand up since he didn't seem capable of doing anything at the moment and led him out the basement.  
This time, Stan was the one who flipped Cartman off as they left.  
  
"Is this what you wanted, Kenny?" Kyle asked as soon as the siblings left. Kenny opened his mouth to speak, closed it, then turned and took his anger out on Cartman.  
"What the hell, fatass?!" Kenny yelled.   
"What?! You wanted them to break up, I got information for them to break up!"  
"But of all things you chose this!?"  
"Well sooorry I couldn't find any proof Stan got some kinda disease from Wendy!"  
Kenny groaned into his hands. Kyle facepalmed.  
"That's not the point, Fatass!" The redhead started. "What were the two of you thinking!? Stan and Craig were perfectly happy together!"  
"I was thinking about how hot Craig is."  
"I was thinking about how hot Wendy is."  
"You two are morons."  
"Look, Kyle. I know I screwed up the moment I asked Cartman for help."  
"Hey!"  
"But think about it- Now that the truth is out, don't you think it's better off Stan and Craig didn't keep on dating? Isn't it better the truth is out?"  
"No! Why would I ever think someone going homeless is for the better!?"  
"Well... Now Craig can live with his real dad?"  
"Kenny, no. This is an inconvenience for everyone. Craig's lived his whole life with his family, and I don't know how he lived there but I know that you get used to how a place is like and now everything is gonna change because Thomas Tucker won't accept him as a son anymore!"  
Kenny stayed quiet at that. He didn't deserve to be a hero. He just got his crush and possible future boyfriend to go homeless. And, he got heartbroken by his brother. Kenny was anything but a hero at this point. But he was determined to make things right.  
"I can fix this."  
"No, Kenny, you can't!"  
"I can!"  
"You can't!"  
"Stop fighting in my basement!"  
"Shut up, Cartman!" Both of them yelled.  
"Kyle, I promise that I'll make everyone feel better. And Cartman is gonna help me."  
"What!? I already did my part of the deal!"  
"You fucked up Craig's life!"  
The blond and the brunet glared at each other for a long time.   
"Fine, Fine! I'll get Stan and Craig to get with other people to make up for their incestuous relationship!" Cartman finally gave in. Kyle sighed.  
"I'm gonna check on Stan and Craig."  
That left Kenny and Cartman to wallow in the odor of said brother's barf.  
  
"Alright, Fatass. We're getting Stan and Kyle together."  
"Gross."  
"You won't think that if you want to get with Wendy."  
The brunet cleared his throat. "I mean... Yay."  
"So what do you usually do when pairing people up?"  
"Oh, I just let Cupid Me take care of the love part. Then I just lock them up somewhere."  
Kenny furrowed his brows. "... What?"  
"What?"  
"Cupid Me?"  
They stared at each other for a long time.  
"Forget I said anything."  
"Okay then..." Kenny sighed. "So we lock Stan and Kyle in the nurses office or something? You're in football too, right? So fuck up Stan's nose or something. Then Kyle will check on him after everyone is talking about it in the locker room since he has basketball-"  
"He's been skipping practice."  
"What?!" Kenny furrowed his brows. "Wait, why do you know this?"   
Cartman cleared his throat. "Uhhh, you know. For future refrence. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."  
"Uh huh... Well, I'll make sure he goes to practice. Then bingo, we'll lock them from the outside."  
"Alright, that works. We'll put food and drinks on the nurse's desk, and condoms with the board games!" Cartman said, Kenny's nose scrunching up.  
"Ugh, don't make me think of Stan and Kyle having sex."  
  
Cartman had told Kenny to not worry about him and Craig. He had said that he would deal with that as a surprise for Kenny after Stan and Kyle. The blond's only job was to offer to escort Kyle to his basketball practice after his own track practice. Then, he had to lock up the redheaded jew and the all star noirette in the nurses office before leaving the scene. He wasn't surprised to see Stan and Kyle hand in hand on the next day of school, Stan wearing a bandage on his nose.   
  
There was one tiny problem in these past few weeks where Cartman and Kenny were working on Kyle and Stan. Craig was once again the outcast of the school. Or at least, he would be if fucking Tweek would just leave the red glasses hottie alone.  
  
Kenny was very jealous of the fact that Tweek and Craig had gotten very close ever since Stan and Craig broke up. He wondered who had initiated the interactions, but he realized it didn't matter. What did matter was that if Cartman didn't do something soon, Kenny would lose his lover to the jittery blond and he would have to settle for fucking Butters or fucking Wendy or fucking Bebe or fucking Cartman- the point was made.  
  
So instead of doing nothing until Cartman did something, Kenny sat down with Craig when Tweek was running a bit late for lunch.  
"Hey."  
The other male was quiet. He was reverted back to the normal Craig Tucker who simply lifted his middle finger in greeting.  
"So... How've you been?"  
"Great." Sarcasm dripped from the guy's voice.  
"Ahh..." Kenny trailed off, having no idea what to talk about with the guy. Craig was looking ahead, and somehow Kenny wasn't surprised when he noticed Stan and Kyle up ahead, and the stoic male's dark blue eyes staring wistfully at his brother. The blond sighed softly. "You still love him, don't you?"  
He didn't answer immediately, then gave a generic response. "Well, duh. I have to love my brother."  
"You know what I mean though, Craig."  
The noirette flipped him off.  
"It's okay, you know. I don't know how long you guys were together, but-"  
"We've been seeing each other for almost two years."  
Kenny almost choked on his sandwich.  
"Two years!?"  
"Yeah. You got a problem with that?"  
"No, it's just.." Kenny cleared his throat, drinking some juice. He hoped it wasn't obvious that he DID have a problem with that. In fact, most people would have a problem with that, even if they were only half siblings. "Stan just told us about you guys like three weeks ago."  
"Yeah, well, we didn't want to tell anyone at first. Then it got to the point where we felt everyone that mattered deserved to know. From then we didn't hide it."   
Now that Kenny thought about it, he realized Wendy and Stan weren't a thing since middle school. Which made sense now, since Craig and Stan were secretly dating since the beginning of high school, and maybe even that summer between middle and high school.  
"Well... Those feelings don't just go away. It makes sense that you still like Stan, even if he is your brother."  
Craig sighed softly. "I wish he wasn't."  
Kenny imagined a world where Stan wasn't Craig's brother. Craig would most likely have red hair or blond hair, maybe freckles would be dusted across the bridge of his nose where his glasses currently rested, and perhaps his eyes would be a bright, light blue like his mother's, or a dark, coffee brown like Thomas Tucker's.  
And he would be happily dating Stan Marsh right now.  
"C-Craig!"  
Kenny felt sick. He watched helplessly as the noirette stood up silently, and strode off alongside Tweek who waited for him near the doorway until the two left the lunchroom together.   
  
It was the second week since Stan and Kyle got together, and the fifth since Stan and Craig had broken up. Kenny had just finished his track practice which was at the end of the day, also the same class period as PE. So the locker room was packed with boys who took either PE or Track. Almost everyone was gone though, since the bell rang and most people left for the bus. Plus, there were no after school practices today for anything. Kenny stayed behind, wanting to walk home today. However, when he tried to open the locker room's door, it was locked.  
So Cartman finally decided to strike.  
"Move out of the way, McCormick."  
The blond turned to the red-rimmed glasses wearer. "Um... The door's locked."  
"Bullshit." Craig pushed Kenny aside, rather gently Kenny might add, and attempted to open the door only to realize Kenny wasn't lying.  
"Do you have your phone with you?" The noirette asked.  
"Nope." Kenny spoke after patting his pockets to check. He had forgotten his phone at home.  
"Mine's dead." The stoic male replied.  
"Looks like we're gonna be here a while." The blond sighed. "So, what do you wanna do-" He stopped talking when Craig disappeared. "Uhhh, where did you go?"  
Kenny had found Craig at a locker room bench, working on his homework while eating some steak he had found. The blond raised an eyebrow, not really taking Craig for the studious type. He sat down next to the guy, and soon realized he was right in thinking so. The noirette was putting in numbers for his literature homework that required vocabulary.  
So instead of just sitting there, Kenny decided to take his chance and get to know Craig.   
"Do you need help with that?" He may not look it, but Kenny was actually pretty smart. Kyle always helped him with his homework when he didn't understand something too.  
"Maybe." Craig replied.  
  
After three hours of doing homework and eating the food as well as some wine Cartman had so generously left them, Kenny stretched tiredly. Craig yawned softly, putting away all his things in his book bag. The guy was actually pretty fucking smart despite starting to solve math problems on english homework. He just seemed to never put the effort at first, or maybe no one ever spent the time to help Craig. But after he caught up quickly.   
"Now what?" Said noirette asked the blond curiously. Kenny raised an eyebrow.  
"Why ask me?"  
The noirette shrugged. "I dunno."  
"Well... Let's play 20 Questions." Kenny suggested. The perfect way to find out more about Craig. The stoic male shrugged again.   
"Sure."  
  
"What's your favorite color?"   
"Blue. What's your favorite animal?"   
"Cats; They're cute. Umm, are you a virgin?"   
"..."  
"..."  
"Really Kenny?"  
"Just answer the question."  
"No."  
"Oh."  
"Are you?"   
"No. Follow-up question; was it Stan-?"   
"Maybe."  
"Yes or no."  
"Okay, fine, yes. I had sex with my brother, happy now?"   
"Very. That's counting as your third question by the way."  
"Whatever."  
"What are some kinks you have?"   
Kenny wiggled his eyebrows.  
Craig sighed.  
"... I like uniforms."  
"Hmm.~"  
"What about you?"  
"I like glasses."  
Craig scooted back an inch or two.  
"Really? Wow Craig, I never said anything about YOUR glasses."  
"Don't care."  
"Do you smoke?"   
"No. Do you drink?"   
"Yeah. Who's the hottest girl in school?"   
"Bebe, duh."  
"Her boobs are the biggest."  
"Who's the hottest guy in school?"   
"... You."  
Craig's face flushed a deep red.   
"Oh."  
Kenny was quick to keep the game going.   
"Top or bottom?"   
Craig responded immediately.   
"Top. You?"  
"I'm flexible. I prefer top. Follow-up; Do you usually end up top or bottom?"   
"... Bottom."  
"Ha."  
"Shut up. Favorite food?"   
"Pizza, obviously."  
Kenny smirked deviously, ready to shoot the real questions.   
"What are ten things that would immediately win your heart or things you look for in a person, Craigery?"   
"My name isn't Craigery."  
"It is now."  
"They have to be able to deal with assholes."   
"Cause you're one?"   
"Exactly. They can't be possessive, cause I like doing whatever the fuck I want."   
"Understandable."  
"They have to like Red Racer."   
"Nerd."  
"Shut up. They have to love guinea pigs too."   
"Do you still own Stripe?"   
"Not the same one from elementary school. That's your eleventh question by the way."  
"Aw, man."  
"They have to have a high tolerance of alcohol."   
"Why?   
"Your twelfth question."  
"Oops."  
"And cause I don't."  
"Ahh, I see. You need someone taking care of you at parties.~"  
"They have to be human."   
"Can't go around fucking dogs or something."  
"Exactly."  
"..."  
"..."  
"You gonna continue?"   
"Thirteen."  
"Goddammit Craig!"  
The noirette chuckled softly.  
Kenny flushed softly in embarrassment, and smiled at the sound of the other man's laugh.  
Craig went quiet, looking anywhere but at Kenny.The atmosphere went from light-hearted to thick, uncomfortable.  
"They need to be able to deal with crybabies."   
"Hm..."  
"They have to, uh, they have to be patient."   
"Makes sense."  
"They have to be themselves."  
"You want someone who's real."  
"Yeah. The last thing... "  
Red rimmed glasses were taken off and long forgotten. Tears rolled down Craig's cheeks and onto his pants which he was now staring at. Kenny's pretty sure he doesn't realize he's crying.  
"They have to love me. It's... It's silly, I know."  
Kenny's eyes widened. He frowned and wrapped his arms around him hesitantly. Here Craig Tucker was, the most stoic and monotone man alive, crying and revealing to Kenny his true feelings, and finally letting out the storm which was pent up, maybe even since that first day Stan and him broke up. So he let the guy let everything out.  
"No, no it's not silly."  
"Are you lying right now?"   
Kenny furrowed his eyebrows before remembering; the game was still on.   
Craig rested his head against Kenny's chest, his hands gripping onto the orange-haired male's parka.  
"I'm not."  
Craig sniffled.  
"That was a pretty gay answer, huh?"   
"No, it wasn't. I think it was very nice of you to share that with me."  
The orange-clad male responded honestly, kindly.   
"Do you think I'm selfish?"   
"No. I think you need this hug."  
Kenny gave Craig a soft, comforting squeeze.   
"Why are you helping me?"   
"Because I'm your friend."  
Craig choked in his tears.   
Kenny pat his back.   
"Why are you so goddamn nice, McCormick?"   
"I like being a hero."  
The two laughed softly, a bit awkwardly but in a good way.   
"Why not call me Kenny?"   
Kenny picked up the questions now that it was his turn again.   
"That's weird. McCormick sounds better."  
Craig's shoulders shook as he did his best to calm himself down.   
"Why call me stupid nicknames like Craigery?"   
"They're fun. Do you not like them?"   
"I don't not like them."   
Kenny kissed Craig's head where his darker than night hair peaked out of his stupid blue chullo hat.   
"Why help others when you have your own problems?"   
"I'm used to my problems. Besides, if I really wanted to I could do something about them on my own."  
His Mysterion costume was still hidden away in his closet. Maybe he should set his parents straight again. Karen probably needed reassurance from her guardian angel, too.  
Craig moved closer to the orange-clad male, his arms wrapped around him while he buried his face in his shoulder.  
"Do you trust me?"   
Craig responded with a muffled 'yes'. He asked a question while still being muffled, and Kenny laughed.   
"Sorry, you'll have to repeat that."  
He worded carefully to not ask in a form of a question.   
Craig lifted up his head, his chin still resting on Kenny's shoulder.   
"What do you do when you're such a fuck up?"   
Kenny's face fell.   
"You're not a fuck up, Craig."  
He rubbed his back comfortingly.  
"But to answer your question, you just keep going until you don't fuck up. Do you still love Stan?"   
Craig hesitated.  
"Yeah. Are you this much of a hero with everyone?"   
The two chuckled half-heartedly.  
"I'm a lover of justice. But I don't hug and kiss just anyone."  
Kenny took in a deep breath. The moment of truth.   
"Do you like me?"   
Once again, hesitation.  
"Yeah. Do you like me?"   
"Yeah. Do you love me?"   
"I think so. Do you love me?"   
"Definitely."  
Kenny grabbed Craig by the shoulders, pulled him away, looked him in the eyes, and gave him a warm smile. Craig couldn't help but to smile back.   
"Would you ever consider going out with me?"   
"Definitely."  
Craig responded the same way Kenny did before.   
"Did you have something to do with all of this?"   
Kenny knew what the usually stoic male meant.   
"Would that affect your last answer?"   
"That goes past the twenty questions."  
"Does it matter?"   
"I guess not. But now I get to ask you two more too."  
"Kay. So answer my last question first."  
"It won't affect anything."  
"Then yeah, I did. I fell in love with you the moment I saw you after these past two years. And I think my love for you is only growing now that we're here together."  
Craig laughed, and Kenny grinned. The stoic male shook his head.  
"Asshole."   
He kissed Kenny's nose.  
"Would you wait for me?"   
Kenny wrapped his arms around Craig's waist.  
"Of course. Whenever you're ready to date again."  
Although, Kenny hoped it didn't take too long.    
"What if I never get over Stan?"   
"I'll wait. I promise. Even if it takes an eternity. I'll be here."  
"You act like you're immortal or something."  
"Maybe I am."  
"Are you?"   
"Ah, ah. That's number twenty-three and I haven't asked you anything."  
"Ask me something."  
"What if I don't want to?"   
"You just did. Answer my question."  
"Shit. If I answered, you wouldn't believe me."  
"Maybe I would."  
"Well, then I am immortal. Do you believe me?"   
Craig thought on that for a second before nodding. He wore a small, confident smile on his face.  
"Yeah. I do."  
  
Two weeks later, Kenny and Craig are the ones holding hands at lunch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I went back a BUNCH of times for this chapter.  
> I'm still not completely satisfied with it-  
> So I guess this marks the end of one story, and begins another.  
> Now to write Kyle's side of everything~
> 
> As always, constructive criticism is very much encouraged and appreciated! Or maybe just a comment on what you thought!


End file.
